Invasion of the Sausage Snatchers

Watch him, he’s up to no good.

Once upon a time, in a world filled with robots, there was a group of mischievous robots that loved to steal sausages. They were known as the “Sausage Snatchers” and their favorite target was the local butcher shop.

Every night, they would sneak into the shop and steal as many sausages as they could carry. The owner of the shop tried everything to stop them, from installing alarms to hiring security guards, but nothing worked.

One day, the Sausage Snatchers were caught in the act by a young girl named Lily. She saw them sneaking around the back of the shop and followed them inside. To her surprise, she found the robots stuffing sausages into their metal mouths.

Lily knew she had to do something to stop them, so she came up with a plan. She went to the local toy store and bought a bunch of toy sausages. Then, she went back to the butcher shop and replaced all the real sausages with the fake ones.

That night, the Sausage Snatchers came back for their nightly raid. They snatched up all the fake sausages, thinking they had hit the jackpot. But as soon as they bit into them, they realized they had been tricked.

From that day on, the Sausage Snatchers never stole sausages again. Instead, they became friends with Lily and helped her with her homework.

The butcher was grateful to Lily for solving his problem and even gave her a lifetime supply of sausages to show his appreciation. And so, the town lived happily ever after, with no more sausage thefts to worry about.

Why did the robot cross the road?
To get to the sausages on the other side!

Where Are Trading Standards When You Need Them?

This clickbait trend (haha – trend – see what I did there?) is getting too much.

Have a look at this screenshot I just made:

If you look carefully you will see three adverts claiming that:

• Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home
• Preston Man Shocks Doctors with Fast £3 Weight Loss Trick
• Preston Mum Sheds 1.4 Stone in 2 Weeks With This Odd “Trick”

Wow – Preston must be like Albert Square, Wetherfield, Emmerdale or anywhere in Maine, in Stephen King’s books: there seems to be a lot of unusual activity happening in these places.

Lets explore the first one, see what happens, then I’ll show you how it’s done.

Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home (Click it by all means, but don’t forget to come back)

The link actually sends you here (I advise you to scroll down past it:)

http://trends.revcontent.com/click.php?d=eJwdlIsRgjEIg1eClvIYp0DZfwTze6eenlpK8iUjzL0fVS0lkpHge1%2B%2BSR1%2BxTueV6yt9uxcoz22Ova693azztBeWfvS6Ko40r3XcxHJbbd1n52Rpt6kvPta%2Bvaz4uDkxPmzPeiIHtXbsomoPDon41wfnp7zcAbjkMa5fu3m8Bo577x1sp9KLlW%2FKXlWX70kdDHMLu%2FDSX5mU%2BKSj1y8q8S5sVq7Tfc6fI43R%2BaQdpx8t%2Foef6V8wjJLiwNnaPgu1n6jdDk8Y8Tqhpwbe2Q9Jmebb5DJqY2h7XjYYqUeejzDQU1zF%2F5zpahN26CXxGo29kVaR5IWMY1k0s7CH3FhTsHrEogJLa7cbZYwBurVpm%2BkrR2whe6LJ1BTPezdrWoiUK4hak3frNgQJ3re0rQjvldBphM0VmQvLhnm0C6f2Hu1E3ayse2755IrrasxHmHmPQKlHlmNUKyzdD2JgTKDex2%2Bi7%2BRDB6w4Ttzm55Oh84qeVwFA72WMUR%2FNJCj33vVMH7y8Upf85kyZhckijXL25L3Gg%2Fn4Hx9BRNCdUKX7VNRfACeiFoYtHoCIeHnci3gZ1Yi%2B35oqedsY7msWGsTEBIGTXBPaLJc530sUXiwwiV8RfoCI6DTfmd391QBDsxz7w21tWHKUgGG%2FnStLklxoAJoFvPBzhqc0KDhVbnoIszTy6aMpQUfYri4ecOQUcQr02JMeF%2Beq%2BvCYXfsCOopBYSU34f1lDaWAVOCJL8LEJUCV851Yu6uuX4RvoXj0tpPf3lai1bjx63HYxQJMfFx3B8ZfQLbEANMRmYAIFK458Gr%2BHrAvjAq2FVxdTsOCaf%2FJQL%2FHeHq2aOMuz6sfCQOexHDfVOpq9mbkIoF73zJSwLTEkp67dQkegA9wqibPQDyKDjqUjkO9T2R9lUEcRFBPamndTG6SnozJngrsZ4FFmoOAqDJE4xYSgEDsF0HuW9Jrwzjj88qd8eW%2Bn83QOUZ0Bp7ifgPHEMhFfDt1DiBMkG4UQ90FLwzOwILPoDyOnARRBshIxveGUMDwPvcwLimiu1tuM9dg64I0ysqIfDtzjkHaZR6qM6DYsHTBQkjwePdvAspN1RiowUhOGLtlh%2FM6KyD%2B6AgU24UDFdUI0wN9HsnAnkDvi6hitnIytqzmjgiPzCQ%2F4eCBLPOj%2FI0cjpIFWKzTul2BAHVvRFOAEMJxS9K9cmYo%2FJR68vHDtJ66%2FgP21q9jw%3D%3D

Yeah – sorry about that. Apologies for showing you that – but bear with me – it takes you here – I’ve added the red bold bits to draw your attention to them:

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Preston&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=Preston&state=H2&country=United+Kingdom&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

And the page looks like this:

Wow – so it must be true – the link takes you to a web page full of references to Preston.

Lets have a bit of fun, shall we?

Try this link, and see what you think.

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Westeros&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=westeros&state=Wyvern&country=Westeros&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

Yup – Westeros.  I’m pretty sure that’s where Game of Thrones happens, doesn’t it?

Not a real place.

Okay – my point is this: How can they get away with this?

How?! Are people really that fucking stupid?

Here’s an excerpt of the small-print from the bottom of the page:

Thus, this page, and any page on this website, are not to be taken literally or as a
non-fiction story.

What in the glimmering unicorn shitting world, is a non-fiction story?

Let’s deconstruct it:

non-fiction = fact

That whole sentence, summarised, says that the page is not to be taken as true.

So it could all be a lie, then?

Glad we got that cleared up.

I used to work in IT, and I also used to work in IT for a company that sold get-rich-quick schemes to gullible retired people.  We used to target old men that thought they could invest their pensions in schemes like this.

My point? Well, those outrageous stories I’ve been linking to are scattered everywhere, hidden in local news outlets masquerading as fact, possibly even on this page itself.

Open your eyes, world.  We are living in the matrix.

 

 

Pork Pie Worries

Went to Morrisons to buy a pork pie. I had a bit of trouble deciding between a Melton Mowbray or a Value Range.

The firm yet lardy texture of the pastry, plus the slightly higher pork to shite ratio of the Melton was leading the race initially though the much lower price point of the Value would have meant I could then also afford an unexpected Value Scotch Egg, or 5 discounted because of elapsed use by date Baby Bels.

I took so long to decide that:

The bacteria living in the Melton, the Value, the Scotch, and the Baby Bels had a chance to multiply and evolve, over the course of several billion years, into 4 separate sentient species.

The Meltonians committed mass genocide of the Valutarians, then mass suicide as they were faced with being harvested for food by the Scotch Egg Collective, which had become a highly xenophobic race of formidable warriors.

Their hunger was to be short lived, however.

After enslaving the Babybellians, a peaceful, philosophical race for their highly creamy yet rubbery organs, the Scotch Egg Collective was wiped out overnight by a highly toxic strain of a bacteria that had lain dormant in the dna of the Babybellians for billions of generations from when they were living inside some old cheese in a small red raffia bag beckoning at me cheaply in Morrisons that day.

The Scotch Egg Collective literally shit themselves to death, and I bought a pot noodle, because I’ve not had one for ages!

LAST CHRISTMAS MEETS STAR WARS

Eraserhead – Not a Cry for Help

I fell asleep watching Eraserhead the other day. At least, I think I did. Those were some weird dreams.

When I die, I want everyone else’s broadband to speed up, because of all the porn I’m no longer downloading. My gift to you all.

 

R323 Alternative Title

illuminati/on