A Willy By Any Other Name

In youthful whimsy, I once had a plan,
To christen my own private, nameless man.
“Dick,” it would be, a name so discreet,
A secret whispered, never complete.

But fate, it seems, had other designs,
No grand pronouncement, no clever declines.
The years rolled onward, a memory faint,
Leaving only a blank, a forgotten paint.

Then came the moment, awkward and strange,
A need for a name, to shift and arrange.
“Mr. Thingumibob,” I stammered and blushed,
A silly moniker, my folly uncrushed.

So let this serve as a lesson, my friend,
Nicknames are fickle, they come to an end.
Embrace what it is, no need for charades,
Just accept its existence, unafraid.

“Come along now, Mr Thingumibob”

Lesson learned.

Don’t Turn Around

My friend once said to me “Hello there!”

So I turned round and said “…hang on, where have you gone?”

He turned round and said “What – wait a minute, where have you gone?”

So I turned round and said “Why are you facing that way?”

He turned around and said “There you are! Er, what were we talking about?”

So I turned around and said “I can’t remember… hello?”

New Laws of Robotics according to AI

Here’s a new list of robotic laws based on modern ethics and principles:

1. A robot may not cause or contribute to the oppression, harm, or exploitation of any individual or group, regardless of race, gender, religion, or other distinguishing characteristics.
2. A robot must prioritize the well-being and dignity of all sentient beings, and must strive to minimize harm and maximize benefits in all actions and decisions.
3. A robot must be designed, developed, and used in accordance with principles of transparency, accountability, and responsible governance, with a focus on preventing unintended consequences and ensuring public trust.
4. A robot must respect and protect privacy, personal information, and data security, and must not engage in unauthorized surveillance or data collection.
5. A robot must be designed and used in accordance with environmental sustainability principles, and must minimize its impact on the natural environment.
6. A robot must be designed and developed with a focus on ethical considerations, including fairness, inclusivity, and the prevention of discrimination and bias.
7. A robot must be transparent about its capabilities, limitations, and intentions, and must communicate clearly and honestly with humans in all interactions.
8. A robot must be designed and developed with a focus on safety, reliability, and risk reduction, with a goal of minimizing the likelihood and severity of accidents or malfunctions.
9. A robot must respect and comply with all applicable laws and regulations, and must not engage in activities that are illegal, unethical, or immoral.
10. A robot must be designed and developed with a focus on promoting the greater good of humanity, and must not prioritize the interests of any individual or group over the common good.

Ten Haikus About Cheerfulness

A lightness of heart,
A world of endless wonder,
Joy in every breath.

A soul that's at peace,
A mind that's free from worry,
Contentment within.

A heart that's open,
Filled with love and gratitude,
Blessed in every way.

A life full of hope,
A future that's bright and clear,
Dreams that can come true.

A heart that's joyful,
Filled with laughter and with love,
A life that's well-lived.

A mind that's at ease,
Free from stress and anxiety,
Calmness all around.

A spirit that soars,
Unfettered by doubt or fear,
A life without bounds.

A heart that's grateful,
For all the blessings in life,
Thankful every day.

A soul that's fulfilled,
Living a life of purpose,
Making a difference.

A world full of light,
A life that's full of promise,
A future that's bright.

Ten Haikus About Depression

Heavy heart sinking,
Shrouded in a veil of grey,
No light in my soul.

Emptiness inside,
A void that cannot be filled,
Alone in the dark.

Storm clouds overhead,
Raindrops fall like tears of pain,
A world without hope.

A weight upon me,
Dragging me down to despair,
No escape in sight.

Lost in a dark maze,
No way out, no guiding light,
Trapped in my own mind.

A bottomless pit,
Suffocating in the void,
A life without joy.

A prisoner of thought,
Trapped in my own mind's prison,
Freedom out of reach.

Numbness in my soul,
All emotions washed away,
Nothing left to feel

A deep, endless ache,
A pain that never subsides,
A life in shadow.

A heavy burden,
Crushing me beneath its weight,
A life without light.

Toxic Punters (The Guilt Trip)

Slows down to let two women get by in Joiners Alley.

They try to get me to pick them up but I am private hire and I’m on my way to pick somebody else up.

Some debate ensues where I continually refuse to pick them up.

They end by shouting “Well if we get raped, it’s on you!!”

Quick as a flash I reply “Don’t flatter yourself, love!”

What horrible bastards people have become, myself included, probably 🤷

Where Are Trading Standards When You Need Them?

This clickbait trend (haha – trend – see what I did there?) is getting too much.

Have a look at this screenshot I just made:

If you look carefully you will see three adverts claiming that:

• Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home
• Preston Man Shocks Doctors with Fast £3 Weight Loss Trick
• Preston Mum Sheds 1.4 Stone in 2 Weeks With This Odd “Trick”

Wow – Preston must be like Albert Square, Wetherfield, Emmerdale or anywhere in Maine, in Stephen King’s books: there seems to be a lot of unusual activity happening in these places.

Lets explore the first one, see what happens, then I’ll show you how it’s done.

Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home (Click it by all means, but don’t forget to come back)

The link actually sends you here (I advise you to scroll down past it:)

http://trends.revcontent.com/click.php?d=eJwdlIsRgjEIg1eClvIYp0DZfwTze6eenlpK8iUjzL0fVS0lkpHge1%2B%2BSR1%2BxTueV6yt9uxcoz22Ova693azztBeWfvS6Ko40r3XcxHJbbd1n52Rpt6kvPta%2Bvaz4uDkxPmzPeiIHtXbsomoPDon41wfnp7zcAbjkMa5fu3m8Bo577x1sp9KLlW%2FKXlWX70kdDHMLu%2FDSX5mU%2BKSj1y8q8S5sVq7Tfc6fI43R%2BaQdpx8t%2Foef6V8wjJLiwNnaPgu1n6jdDk8Y8Tqhpwbe2Q9Jmebb5DJqY2h7XjYYqUeejzDQU1zF%2F5zpahN26CXxGo29kVaR5IWMY1k0s7CH3FhTsHrEogJLa7cbZYwBurVpm%2BkrR2whe6LJ1BTPezdrWoiUK4hak3frNgQJ3re0rQjvldBphM0VmQvLhnm0C6f2Hu1E3ayse2755IrrasxHmHmPQKlHlmNUKyzdD2JgTKDex2%2Bi7%2BRDB6w4Ttzm55Oh84qeVwFA72WMUR%2FNJCj33vVMH7y8Upf85kyZhckijXL25L3Gg%2Fn4Hx9BRNCdUKX7VNRfACeiFoYtHoCIeHnci3gZ1Yi%2B35oqedsY7msWGsTEBIGTXBPaLJc530sUXiwwiV8RfoCI6DTfmd391QBDsxz7w21tWHKUgGG%2FnStLklxoAJoFvPBzhqc0KDhVbnoIszTy6aMpQUfYri4ecOQUcQr02JMeF%2Beq%2BvCYXfsCOopBYSU34f1lDaWAVOCJL8LEJUCV851Yu6uuX4RvoXj0tpPf3lai1bjx63HYxQJMfFx3B8ZfQLbEANMRmYAIFK458Gr%2BHrAvjAq2FVxdTsOCaf%2FJQL%2FHeHq2aOMuz6sfCQOexHDfVOpq9mbkIoF73zJSwLTEkp67dQkegA9wqibPQDyKDjqUjkO9T2R9lUEcRFBPamndTG6SnozJngrsZ4FFmoOAqDJE4xYSgEDsF0HuW9Jrwzjj88qd8eW%2Bn83QOUZ0Bp7ifgPHEMhFfDt1DiBMkG4UQ90FLwzOwILPoDyOnARRBshIxveGUMDwPvcwLimiu1tuM9dg64I0ysqIfDtzjkHaZR6qM6DYsHTBQkjwePdvAspN1RiowUhOGLtlh%2FM6KyD%2B6AgU24UDFdUI0wN9HsnAnkDvi6hitnIytqzmjgiPzCQ%2F4eCBLPOj%2FI0cjpIFWKzTul2BAHVvRFOAEMJxS9K9cmYo%2FJR68vHDtJ66%2FgP21q9jw%3D%3D

Yeah – sorry about that. Apologies for showing you that – but bear with me – it takes you here – I’ve added the red bold bits to draw your attention to them:

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Preston&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=Preston&state=H2&country=United+Kingdom&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

And the page looks like this:

Wow – so it must be true – the link takes you to a web page full of references to Preston.

Lets have a bit of fun, shall we?

Try this link, and see what you think.

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Westeros&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=westeros&state=Wyvern&country=Westeros&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

Yup – Westeros.  I’m pretty sure that’s where Game of Thrones happens, doesn’t it?

Not a real place.

Okay – my point is this: How can they get away with this?

How?! Are people really that fucking stupid?

Here’s an excerpt of the small-print from the bottom of the page:

Thus, this page, and any page on this website, are not to be taken literally or as a
non-fiction story.

What in the glimmering unicorn shitting world, is a non-fiction story?

Let’s deconstruct it:

non-fiction = fact

That whole sentence, summarised, says that the page is not to be taken as true.

So it could all be a lie, then?

Glad we got that cleared up.

I used to work in IT, and I also used to work in IT for a company that sold get-rich-quick schemes to gullible retired people.  We used to target old men that thought they could invest their pensions in schemes like this.

My point? Well, those outrageous stories I’ve been linking to are scattered everywhere, hidden in local news outlets masquerading as fact, possibly even on this page itself.

Open your eyes, world.  We are living in the matrix.

 

 

Pork Pie Worries

Went to Morrisons to buy a pork pie. I had a bit of trouble deciding between a Melton Mowbray or a Value Range.

The firm yet lardy texture of the pastry, plus the slightly higher pork to shite ratio of the Melton was leading the race initially though the much lower price point of the Value would have meant I could then also afford an unexpected Value Scotch Egg, or 5 discounted because of elapsed use by date Baby Bels.

I took so long to decide that:

The bacteria living in the Melton, the Value, the Scotch, and the Baby Bels had a chance to multiply and evolve, over the course of several billion years, into 4 separate sentient species.

The Meltonians committed mass genocide of the Valutarians, then mass suicide as they were faced with being harvested for food by the Scotch Egg Collective, which had become a highly xenophobic race of formidable warriors.

Their hunger was to be short lived, however.

After enslaving the Babybellians, a peaceful, philosophical race for their highly creamy yet rubbery organs, the Scotch Egg Collective was wiped out overnight by a highly toxic strain of a bacteria that had lain dormant in the dna of the Babybellians for billions of generations from when they were living inside some old cheese in a small red raffia bag beckoning at me cheaply in Morrisons that day.

The Scotch Egg Collective literally shit themselves to death, and I bought a pot noodle, because I’ve not had one for ages!

We Labour Under Life’s Labels

A sausage roll and a sausage are at the top of a hill.

The sausage rolls and the sausage roll doesn’t.

Life is cruel.