Existential Dread and Crumpets: My Guide to Sunday Brunch

Ah, the Sunday brunch. A time-honoured British tradition, a refuge from the relentless march of the week, and, let’s be honest, a potential minefield of existential dread.

We’ve all been there. You wake up late, the remnants of Saturday night’s revelry clinging to you like a cheap suit. The newspaper headlines scream of impending doom, and the bottomless pit of your empty stomach seems to echo the vast emptiness of existence.

But fear not, fellow traveller on this absurd journey called life! For within the humble embrace of the Sunday brunch lies the potential for solace, sustenance, and even a flicker of joy.

Step One: The Ritual of Tea
First things first, tea. A steaming mug of builder’s brew, strong enough to knock the existential cobwebs off your brain, is the cornerstone of any good Sunday brunch.

Steep your preferred leaves (Yorkshire Tea, for the purists) in a proper pot – none of those flimsy teabag contraptions here – and pour yourself a generous cup. Inhale the robust aroma, feel the warmth seep into your hands, and allow the gentle act of brewing to become a mini-meditation, a moment of quiet contemplation before the glorious chaos that is brunch.

Step Two: The Crumpet Conundrum
Now, the crumpet. This seemingly simple baked good is, in fact, a philosophical paradox. To toast or not to toast? That is the question. A golden, toasted crumpet offers a satisfying crunch and holds its shape admirably under the weight of your chosen toppings. But a fresh, untoasted crumpet possesses a delightful, almost doughy, texture that perfectly soaks up butter and jam.

The choice, dear reader, is yours. But choose wisely, for in this seemingly trivial decision lies a metaphor for life itself – the comfort of the familiar versus the thrill of the unknown.

Step Three: The Full English Breakfast – A Toast to Tradition
The Full English Breakfast: a veritable feast fit for a king (or, more realistically, someone who slightly overindulged the night before).

Sausage, bacon, eggs (done to your liking, of course), baked beans, mushrooms, grilled tomatoes, black pudding (for the adventurous), and a hash brown (because why not?) piled high on a warm plate. This dish is a celebration of British culinary tradition, a hearty reminder that even in the face of existential angst, there is still pleasure to be found in the simple act of consuming a good fry-up.

Step Four: The Continental Cousin
But perhaps the Full English isn’t your cup of tea (or, more accurately, mug of tea). Fear not, for the world of brunch is vast and varied.

Perhaps you fancy a lighter option, a croissant or pain au chocolat, flaky and buttery, begging to be dipped into coffee or hot chocolate. Or maybe you’re feeling a touch more adventurous, seeking a taste of the exotic with huevos rancheros or a stack of fluffy pancakes drizzled with maple syrup.

The beauty of brunch lies in its infinite possibilities. It is a canvas upon which you can paint your own culinary masterpiece, a reflection of your own unique personality and preferences.

Step Five: The Art of Conversation (and Avoiding Existential Dread)
Finally, no brunch is complete without good conversation. Engage with your fellow brunchers, be they friends, family, or even strangers at the next table. Discuss the latest episode of your favourite show, reminisce about the good old days, or simply revel in the shared experience of breaking bread (or crumpets) together. By focusing on the present moment, on the company you keep, and on the simple pleasure of good food and good company, you may just find that the existential dread melts away, replaced by a warm sense of connection and belonging.

So, there you have it. My guide to navigating the existential minefield that is Sunday brunch. Remember, it’s not just about the food (although the food is important). It’s about the ritual, the connection, and the small moments of joy that make life worth living, even when the universe seems intent on reminding you of its vast indifference.

Now, go forth, conquer your brunch, and face the coming week with a renewed sense of purpose (and a full stomach).

Adulting: Is it Just the Imposter Syndrome Manifest?

Ah, “adulting.” The term itself conjures an image of crisp shirts, packed lunches, and unwavering responsibility. But for many, the reality feels more like a bumbling performance in a play we never auditioned for. The bills pile up, the washing machine throws tantrums, and the existential dread of “am I doing this right?” hangs heavy in the air.

This pervasive feeling of inadequacy, this constant questioning of whether we’re truly “adulting” enough, has a close resemblance to something psychologists call “imposter syndrome.” Defined as a collection of beliefs that one’s success is due to luck or external factors rather than their own competence, imposter syndrome can manifest in various areas of life, including the seemingly straightforward realm of adulthood.

So, are we all simply a bunch of adulting imposters?

The answer, like most things in life, isn’t so black and white. While the challenges and uncertainties of adulting can certainly trigger feelings of inadequacy, it’s important to remember that imposter syndrome is a specific psychological phenomenon.

Here’s where the distinction lies. Adulting inherently involves navigating unfamiliar territory. We learn to manage finances, juggle work and personal commitments, and make independent decisions – all while still figuring out who we are and what we want in life. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, unsure, and occasionally like we’re just winging it.

However, when these feelings become pervasive and paralyzing, leading to self-sabotage and a constant fear of being exposed as a fraud, it might be a sign of imposter syndrome.

So, how do we differentiate between normal “adulting jitters” and true imposter syndrome? Here are some key indicators:

Attribution of success

Do you attribute your achievements to external factors like luck or being in the right place at the right time, rather than your own skills and hard work?

Fear of exposure

Do you live in constant fear of being “found out” as someone who doesn’t actually deserve their successes or responsibilities?

Self-deprecating comparisons

Do you constantly compare yourself to others, feeling inferior and inadequate despite evidence to the contrary?

If these points resonate deeply, it’s crucial to seek assistance. Talking to a therapist or counselor can help you challenge these negative thought patterns and develop coping mechanisms to navigate the uncertainties of adulting with greater confidence.

Ultimately, “adulting” is not a performance with a set script or a clear-cut ending. It’s a continuous learning process, messy and unpredictable at times. Embracing the journey, acknowledging our vulnerabilities, and celebrating our successes, big and small, are key to navigating this often-daunting phase with a sense of self-compassion and, dare we say, adulting-worthy resilience.

2020 Cannot End Soon Enough.

Well, hello folks. I expect you all thought you’d heard the last of me! Sordid details following:

I’ve been keeping to myself since the first lockdown.

Being isolated for 6 weeks in the first lockdown made me really miss human contact (my job is the only way I get any, and the brief company of strangers is better than nothing, but still infinitely better.)

I deleted every dating app, and managed to last for a few months.

Eventually Facebook Dating appeared and I joined that, with little success.

I joined TikTok in November and I’ve been trying to use that to connect with people though its completely pointless, but a lot of fun.

I managed to go viral with one video, but, embarrassingly, its me pretending to knock one out to the tune Everyday by Buddy Holly. Nothing inspirational or cute.

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZS7URW4Q/

I rejoined Tinder recently, and a chat I had this evening has reminded me why I gave up, and why I’m here now.

I unmatched her before I screenshotted the chat, so I’ll have to give you the gist here.

She asked me how I was coping with the COVID pandemic, and I answered honestly (its all terrible) and after a few messages I happened to say “Waking each day is a bonus, lucky I’m a glass half full kind of guy” which I must admit was me being a bit ironic/sarcastic (always a mistake in written form) but she chose to reply, “Well you don’t sound very optimistic” which I saw as “Red Flag #1 🚩”

Then, before things turned horrible she noted that my “Job” was Music Producer and Author, not Taxi Driver, as our earlier conversation had revealed.

I replied that whom we identify as is more relevant than how we make a living. She said she wouldn’t have swiped right had she known I was a taxi driver, as she was sick of being the breadwinner in past relationships “Red Flag #2 🚩”

So yeah, that was fun. Have you missed me? 🤣🤣🤣

Bank Holiday Bestie

noun

An individual that attempts to pass themselves off as a loyal friend of a taxi driver by only ever making contact when every taxi company in the area is telling them they will have to wait an hour for a taxi – for example, on bank holidays or New Years Eve.

See also: Mates Rates

Bank Holiday Bestie

Where Are Trading Standards When You Need Them?

This clickbait trend (haha – trend – see what I did there?) is getting too much.

Have a look at this screenshot I just made:

If you look carefully you will see three adverts claiming that:

• Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home
• Preston Man Shocks Doctors with Fast £3 Weight Loss Trick
• Preston Mum Sheds 1.4 Stone in 2 Weeks With This Odd “Trick”

Wow – Preston must be like Albert Square, Wetherfield, Emmerdale or anywhere in Maine, in Stephen King’s books: there seems to be a lot of unusual activity happening in these places.

Lets explore the first one, see what happens, then I’ll show you how it’s done.

Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home (Click it by all means, but don’t forget to come back)

The link actually sends you here (I advise you to scroll down past it:)

http://trends.revcontent.com/click.php?d=eJwdlIsRgjEIg1eClvIYp0DZfwTze6eenlpK8iUjzL0fVS0lkpHge1%2B%2BSR1%2BxTueV6yt9uxcoz22Ova693azztBeWfvS6Ko40r3XcxHJbbd1n52Rpt6kvPta%2Bvaz4uDkxPmzPeiIHtXbsomoPDon41wfnp7zcAbjkMa5fu3m8Bo577x1sp9KLlW%2FKXlWX70kdDHMLu%2FDSX5mU%2BKSj1y8q8S5sVq7Tfc6fI43R%2BaQdpx8t%2Foef6V8wjJLiwNnaPgu1n6jdDk8Y8Tqhpwbe2Q9Jmebb5DJqY2h7XjYYqUeejzDQU1zF%2F5zpahN26CXxGo29kVaR5IWMY1k0s7CH3FhTsHrEogJLa7cbZYwBurVpm%2BkrR2whe6LJ1BTPezdrWoiUK4hak3frNgQJ3re0rQjvldBphM0VmQvLhnm0C6f2Hu1E3ayse2755IrrasxHmHmPQKlHlmNUKyzdD2JgTKDex2%2Bi7%2BRDB6w4Ttzm55Oh84qeVwFA72WMUR%2FNJCj33vVMH7y8Upf85kyZhckijXL25L3Gg%2Fn4Hx9BRNCdUKX7VNRfACeiFoYtHoCIeHnci3gZ1Yi%2B35oqedsY7msWGsTEBIGTXBPaLJc530sUXiwwiV8RfoCI6DTfmd391QBDsxz7w21tWHKUgGG%2FnStLklxoAJoFvPBzhqc0KDhVbnoIszTy6aMpQUfYri4ecOQUcQr02JMeF%2Beq%2BvCYXfsCOopBYSU34f1lDaWAVOCJL8LEJUCV851Yu6uuX4RvoXj0tpPf3lai1bjx63HYxQJMfFx3B8ZfQLbEANMRmYAIFK458Gr%2BHrAvjAq2FVxdTsOCaf%2FJQL%2FHeHq2aOMuz6sfCQOexHDfVOpq9mbkIoF73zJSwLTEkp67dQkegA9wqibPQDyKDjqUjkO9T2R9lUEcRFBPamndTG6SnozJngrsZ4FFmoOAqDJE4xYSgEDsF0HuW9Jrwzjj88qd8eW%2Bn83QOUZ0Bp7ifgPHEMhFfDt1DiBMkG4UQ90FLwzOwILPoDyOnARRBshIxveGUMDwPvcwLimiu1tuM9dg64I0ysqIfDtzjkHaZR6qM6DYsHTBQkjwePdvAspN1RiowUhOGLtlh%2FM6KyD%2B6AgU24UDFdUI0wN9HsnAnkDvi6hitnIytqzmjgiPzCQ%2F4eCBLPOj%2FI0cjpIFWKzTul2BAHVvRFOAEMJxS9K9cmYo%2FJR68vHDtJ66%2FgP21q9jw%3D%3D

Yeah – sorry about that. Apologies for showing you that – but bear with me – it takes you here – I’ve added the red bold bits to draw your attention to them:

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Preston&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=Preston&state=H2&country=United+Kingdom&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

And the page looks like this:

Wow – so it must be true – the link takes you to a web page full of references to Preston.

Lets have a bit of fun, shall we?

Try this link, and see what you think.

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Westeros&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=westeros&state=Wyvern&country=Westeros&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

Yup – Westeros.  I’m pretty sure that’s where Game of Thrones happens, doesn’t it?

Not a real place.

Okay – my point is this: How can they get away with this?

How?! Are people really that fucking stupid?

Here’s an excerpt of the small-print from the bottom of the page:

Thus, this page, and any page on this website, are not to be taken literally or as a
non-fiction story.

What in the glimmering unicorn shitting world, is a non-fiction story?

Let’s deconstruct it:

non-fiction = fact

That whole sentence, summarised, says that the page is not to be taken as true.

So it could all be a lie, then?

Glad we got that cleared up.

I used to work in IT, and I also used to work in IT for a company that sold get-rich-quick schemes to gullible retired people.  We used to target old men that thought they could invest their pensions in schemes like this.

My point? Well, those outrageous stories I’ve been linking to are scattered everywhere, hidden in local news outlets masquerading as fact, possibly even on this page itself.

Open your eyes, world.  We are living in the matrix.

 

 

Morecambe Christmas Illuminations

Now that the yuletide festivities are almost over, I would like to draw attention, now that I’ve had a chance think about it, to the state of Morecambe’s Christmas Illuminations.

Let’s look at the first one. There are a few identical examples of this one around Morecambe – and I am concerned. Concerned is the wrong word, what I mean to say is, I am completely confused by the following illumination.

What confuses me about it is this:
Clearly, it says it is from Morecambe. But is it to me? Is it to Morecambe? Is it to visitors to Morecambe? Do we still have any? Particularly at Christmas?

What does it mean?

As each of the signs is hung above a main road facing the promenade, I can only conclude that each sign is directed –  quite literally – at Grange-over-Sands as they face us across Morecambe Bay. This is a nice sentiment, but unfortunately unless you have a very powerful telescope and a clear day with no heat haze, one would be completely unable to see the signs from Grange-over-Sands.

I am joking, of course, but not about being confused.

Being perpetually confused is my default setting as I get older 😆

Clearly, this sign is not one of Lancaster’s cast offs from last year, but it is clearly an example of something that has not been thought through very well.

On a serious note, I’m bringing these to your attention so hopefully they are not reused again like they were this year. We can do better, surely?

So, in the tradition of saving the best till last I show you my second and final example of the exquisite quality of Illuminations lavished upon  Morecambe for Christmas 2015.

This is a perfect example of something which, once you’ve seen it, you can never unsee.

This illumination, my friends, I like to call the “Fabulous Sex Octopus.”

Just look at it.

Look into those starry eyes.

Isn’t it fabulous?

What is/was a Paper Boy?

I posed this question to Harrison and Elsie. Here are their replies – and a bit of impromptu hilarity.

Love Christmas.

So, an elf* just threw brandy all over the front of my taxi. Now my taxi smells like it’s pissed. Thank god it’s raining.

*A man in an elf costume.

Something is burning

Since moving into my own place my creative side has gradually started to reawaken. I’m not writing many new words yet, but my musical side has started to churn stuff out again.

The place I’m sat writing this.

Nothing complete, yet – but lots of new sounds and ideas.  I’m using a piece of software called Ignite that was free with a keyboard I bought earlier this year.  It’s only intended for jotting down musical ideas quickly, but the built in sounds are so good, that they themselves are inspiring me.

Here are some snippets.

A combination of Adele, William Orbit and Ludovico Einaudi possibly?

This next one is just called “Dirty Numan” at the moment.  Just because of the terrifying drum loop that kicks in at the end.  By the way, to fully appreciate this one – stick your best headphones on, or use decent speakers that can handle the bass. It throbs.

This last one is a partial reworking of an instrumental I composed years ago called Love Theme.

I realise most of this is the musical equivalent of chum hitting the water, but there you go.

Tata for now 🙂

 

Powered by Arse – The Archives

Wow, I’ve been a bit lax on here, haven’t I? I haven’t written anything for ages, and I apologise for that.

It’s been a bit of a strange time, the last six months – strange for me, at least.

I’ll probably spill the beans about the rest once the dust has settled – but the most important thing to tell you is that my marriage is over – and I’ve been living in my own place for the last five weeks.

It was a mutual decision and has been reached amicably (Mutual and Amicable sounds like a f**king insurance company.) My kids come over on a Sunday afternoon, and they stay at my place on Monday and Tuesday nights when I’m not working.

My Little Piggies

One of the things that has come out of this is that I’ve been going through an old pile of cd-roms from the late 90s that I’ve found – and I’ve found a copy of my very first website – which was an archive of some of my earlier written work.  Over the coming week(s) I will be releasing this as entries here, so you can see some of the inane bollocks I used to come out with when I was in my late 20s (f**k that was a long time ago!)

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Jesus look at how young and hairy I was.