I used to think cats were only nice to you if they wanted something, like, feeding. Then I realised “no, people are like that, not animals,” which is how I know my cat loves me.
My cat falls over and rolls onto her back whenever she sees me – I used to be like “stop taking the piss, Mandy, I’m not THAT heavy.”
Yes, my cat is called Mandy. She’s a tabby, so she has the letter M on her forehead. (I didn’t name her Mandy, I got her from Cats Protection, and she was already called that.)
That means of course, going out with someone called Mandy would be a bit awkward. (Only joking – we’d call you Mandy 1 & 2)
I saw a dating profile the other day and the girl was saying she had a kitten called Dave.
Absolute. Bloody. Weirdo.
Yes, I’m on dating site. Well, a few really. I don’t know why, I keep finding the same people on them all. I could save myself a lot of time if I stuck to just one of them. But then what would I do with the rest of my time? Eat more comfort food?
Maybe that’s what I should be doing, installing ALL the dating apps – so I ain’t got TIME to eat.
I’ve only ever used dating apps or the internet in general to get dates. I can’t chat people up in pubs. I don’t even go to pubs.
Being a fat bloke means never wondering whether you have a shallow girlfriend.
Who wants to go out with those types of people?
I can’t stand shallow people.
If I discriminate against someone just for being shallow – does that make me a hypocrite?
You may have noticed I’m slightly overweight. If you haven’t, leave me your number 😉
I want to go out with somebody so stupid that they haven’t even noticed I’m fat.
How cool would that be?
Actually, I tend to avoid stupid people – maybe that’s my problem?
I’m not so clever, myself – I misread my Brexit poll slip – I thought it was something to do with the Okey Cokey. (In, Out, Shake it all about)
I’ve had more interest on dating apps since I grew a beard. I can relate to this – I shaved it off a few months back for some reason, and my own face was boring me to death.
If I shave my beard off in a forest and there’s nobody around – well, that would be weird wouldn’t it?
A good thing about having a beard is having a trim every so often, and people ask you if you’ve lost weight.
Online dating can be bad for one’s self esteem though – the constant rejection from complete strangers that just judge you on a tiny pic on their phone/computer..
I’d rather be validating my self-esteem by getting dates online than… actually – I’ve just matched with somebody!
Those apps that just show you a pic, then get you to slap the pics off the screen that you don’t like….. or DO like…. it’s kinda giving out a weird vibe isn’t it?
Slap, Backhander, Slap, Slap.
Who am I kidding? I swipe right on them ALL – it’s a numbers game. Let them decide… I don’t even care what they look like, as long as they’re not an asshole.
These need to be on Wish
Or when you DO match….. Whoah?!
Then it’s a race isn’t it!?
“I need to get to their profile and message them before they’ve been reported for being a scammer…. Oh – too late, they’ve gone already.”
If you DO get to them in time the conversation often goes something like this.
“Hi I’m Dave” I say, and while I’m waiting I’m looking at their profile pics – probably for the first time, and I’m looking at them noticing they’re in their early 20s, hot, perfect makeup and skin making a duck face, messaging a 49 year old fat bloke from Morecambe!?!
But still – she might be stupid and hasn’t noticed?
“Hey” she says, “I don’t come on here much – drop me your email and we can go from there.”
Report.
Cowbag.
Although “she” is more likely to be a bot – like as in a robot. A program that just sits on a computer, swipes right on everybody then collects email addresses from gullible people.
Luckily they’re quite easy to spot – there’s no threat of the Turing Test being passed anyway.
As soon as I suspect something I say “I have a blue tongue, you know, like a giraffe – it’s also a foot long, if you know what i mean?” 😜
They reply “Have u got KIK?”
I reply “I’ve just told you I’m a fucking giraffe – you want me to KIK you?”
“Hello?”
“Hello?”
Oh, their profile has just been deleted… not quick enough.
Damn.
The Dave Price Blog 