The 9 Most Famous People To Have Died On The Toilet

I outlived Elvis by five years, but my legs fell asleep while on the toilet just now.

So I ended up here.

Nathaniel Tapley

We all know that the Queen poos (unlike Prince Philip, who vents clouds of highly-acidic faecal gas from a fleshy nozzle just beneath his chin, before blinking his inner eyelids and retreating to the warmth of the Royal Egg Chamber), but few of us have really considered the implications of this.

There must be days when Her Majesty, Monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and her Islands clenches her little fists, grabs hold of the seat and really bears down to dislodge a particularly awkward chunk of digested swan. (This is in stark contrast to Barack Obama, whose turds slip out of him like otters returning to the wild.) At times like these, as her tiny heels drum against the floor, a fine sweat breaks out on her aged forehead, and she prays to a higher power (higher pooer?) to just get the damned thing out, she must…

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Where Are Trading Standards When You Need Them?

This clickbait trend (haha – trend – see what I did there?) is getting too much.

Have a look at this screenshot I just made:

If you look carefully you will see three adverts claiming that:

• Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home
• Preston Man Shocks Doctors with Fast £3 Weight Loss Trick
• Preston Mum Sheds 1.4 Stone in 2 Weeks With This Odd “Trick”

Wow – Preston must be like Albert Square, Wetherfield, Emmerdale or anywhere in Maine, in Stephen King’s books: there seems to be a lot of unusual activity happening in these places.

Lets explore the first one, see what happens, then I’ll show you how it’s done.

Preston Millionaire Exposes How He Earns £472/Hr From Home (Click it by all means, but don’t forget to come back)

The link actually sends you here (I advise you to scroll down past it:)

http://trends.revcontent.com/click.php?d=eJwdlIsRgjEIg1eClvIYp0DZfwTze6eenlpK8iUjzL0fVS0lkpHge1%2B%2BSR1%2BxTueV6yt9uxcoz22Ova693azztBeWfvS6Ko40r3XcxHJbbd1n52Rpt6kvPta%2Bvaz4uDkxPmzPeiIHtXbsomoPDon41wfnp7zcAbjkMa5fu3m8Bo577x1sp9KLlW%2FKXlWX70kdDHMLu%2FDSX5mU%2BKSj1y8q8S5sVq7Tfc6fI43R%2BaQdpx8t%2Foef6V8wjJLiwNnaPgu1n6jdDk8Y8Tqhpwbe2Q9Jmebb5DJqY2h7XjYYqUeejzDQU1zF%2F5zpahN26CXxGo29kVaR5IWMY1k0s7CH3FhTsHrEogJLa7cbZYwBurVpm%2BkrR2whe6LJ1BTPezdrWoiUK4hak3frNgQJ3re0rQjvldBphM0VmQvLhnm0C6f2Hu1E3ayse2755IrrasxHmHmPQKlHlmNUKyzdD2JgTKDex2%2Bi7%2BRDB6w4Ttzm55Oh84qeVwFA72WMUR%2FNJCj33vVMH7y8Upf85kyZhckijXL25L3Gg%2Fn4Hx9BRNCdUKX7VNRfACeiFoYtHoCIeHnci3gZ1Yi%2B35oqedsY7msWGsTEBIGTXBPaLJc530sUXiwwiV8RfoCI6DTfmd391QBDsxz7w21tWHKUgGG%2FnStLklxoAJoFvPBzhqc0KDhVbnoIszTy6aMpQUfYri4ecOQUcQr02JMeF%2Beq%2BvCYXfsCOopBYSU34f1lDaWAVOCJL8LEJUCV851Yu6uuX4RvoXj0tpPf3lai1bjx63HYxQJMfFx3B8ZfQLbEANMRmYAIFK458Gr%2BHrAvjAq2FVxdTsOCaf%2FJQL%2FHeHq2aOMuz6sfCQOexHDfVOpq9mbkIoF73zJSwLTEkp67dQkegA9wqibPQDyKDjqUjkO9T2R9lUEcRFBPamndTG6SnozJngrsZ4FFmoOAqDJE4xYSgEDsF0HuW9Jrwzjj88qd8eW%2Bn83QOUZ0Bp7ifgPHEMhFfDt1DiBMkG4UQ90FLwzOwILPoDyOnARRBshIxveGUMDwPvcwLimiu1tuM9dg64I0ysqIfDtzjkHaZR6qM6DYsHTBQkjwePdvAspN1RiowUhOGLtlh%2FM6KyD%2B6AgU24UDFdUI0wN9HsnAnkDvi6hitnIytqzmjgiPzCQ%2F4eCBLPOj%2FI0cjpIFWKzTul2BAHVvRFOAEMJxS9K9cmYo%2FJR68vHDtJ66%2FgP21q9jw%3D%3D

Yeah – sorry about that. Apologies for showing you that – but bear with me – it takes you here – I’ve added the red bold bits to draw your attention to them:

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Preston&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=Preston&state=H2&country=United+Kingdom&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

And the page looks like this:

Wow – so it must be true – the link takes you to a web page full of references to Preston.

Lets have a bit of fun, shall we?

Try this link, and see what you think.

http://dailynews-reports.com/uk/workathome/287/?c1=Westeros&boostid=41320&contentid=458047&accountid=%7BACCOUNT_ID%7D&widgetid=18054&city=westeros&state=Wyvern&country=Westeros&utm_targeting=celebrity+and+gossip&sxid=j6m1cz30xwfc

Yup – Westeros.  I’m pretty sure that’s where Game of Thrones happens, doesn’t it?

Not a real place.

Okay – my point is this: How can they get away with this?

How?! Are people really that fucking stupid?

Here’s an excerpt of the small-print from the bottom of the page:

Thus, this page, and any page on this website, are not to be taken literally or as a
non-fiction story.

What in the glimmering unicorn shitting world, is a non-fiction story?

Let’s deconstruct it:

non-fiction = fact

That whole sentence, summarised, says that the page is not to be taken as true.

So it could all be a lie, then?

Glad we got that cleared up.

I used to work in IT, and I also used to work in IT for a company that sold get-rich-quick schemes to gullible retired people.  We used to target old men that thought they could invest their pensions in schemes like this.

My point? Well, those outrageous stories I’ve been linking to are scattered everywhere, hidden in local news outlets masquerading as fact, possibly even on this page itself.

Open your eyes, world.  We are living in the matrix.