Free Sun Newspaper!

When paying for the hotdog buns I purchased today, I was handed – not offered, a free copy of The Sun!

I felt so lucky.

Now I get to do this – and it hasn’t cost me a penny.

Pork Pie Worries

Went to Morrisons to buy a pork pie. I had a bit of trouble deciding between a Melton Mowbray or a Value Range.

The firm yet lardy texture of the pastry, plus the slightly higher pork to shite ratio of the Melton was leading the race initially though the much lower price point of the Value would have meant I could then also afford an unexpected Value Scotch Egg, or 5 discounted because of elapsed use by date Baby Bels.

I took so long to decide that:

The bacteria living in the Melton, the Value, the Scotch, and the Baby Bels had a chance to multiply and evolve, over the course of several billion years, into 4 separate sentient species.

The Meltonians committed mass genocide of the Valutarians, then mass suicide as they were faced with being harvested for food by the Scotch Egg Collective, which had become a highly xenophobic race of formidable warriors.

Their hunger was to be short lived, however.

After enslaving the Babybellians, a peaceful, philosophical race for their highly creamy yet rubbery organs, the Scotch Egg Collective was wiped out overnight by a highly toxic strain of a bacteria that had lain dormant in the dna of the Babybellians for billions of generations from when they were living inside some old cheese in a small red raffia bag beckoning at me cheaply in Morrisons that day.

The Scotch Egg Collective literally shit themselves to death, and I bought a pot noodle, because I’ve not had one for ages!

A Revelation

Falling in love is like sneezing then farting: You will instantly know when it’s happened.

We Labour Under Life’s Labels

A sausage roll and a sausage are at the top of a hill.

The sausage rolls and the sausage roll doesn’t.

Life is cruel.