R323 Alternative Title

illuminati/on

Silly Sweaty Boy!

0430, Lancaster, 13 October 2013

It was pretty near the end of my shift.  I picked up a guy on his own outside The Lounge, a nightclub in Lancaster.

He wanted to go to Garstang, 10 miles south on the A6, which, when he asked me how much it would be, I told him it would be about £26.

He asked me to take him to a cash machine on the way, so we stopped at a petrol station just before we left Lancaster.

Unfortunately, the cash machine only gave him £10.

He fished about in his pockets, produced a £2 in pound coins, and asked me to take him as far as £12 would get him.

I told him that it would probably only get him to Galgate, which is about 4 miles south of Lancaster.

“Okay then, no worries.” he said, “It looks like I’ll have to run.”

Impressed by this, I drove him to Galgate.

When we pulled up at the Spar in the middle of Galgate he got out, said “See you then” and started to walk off.

I said “Hang on a sec, mate, you still need to pay me for this bit.”

And he ran off down an alley!  Cheeky bugger.

Wait a minute… he’s got a bit of a long way to go…

I set off in the direction of Garstang, at normal speed – perhaps with a little angry rev – to indicate my displeasure.  Then as I got out of earshot I slowed down a bit, then drove round the roundabout just south of Galgate, and headed back there.

Sure enough – my new friend was walking along the main road, trying to wake somebody up in Garstang, presumably, to come and take him home.

“Hiya mate!” I said cheerfully as I pulled up.

He scurried along the A6 South towards the roundabout I just mentioned, and ultimately Garstang.

During the day I would have had to find a safe place to turn around so I could follow him – the A6 is a particularly busy road during the day.  There is a lot of traffic, heavy goods vehicles, etc,

But this was 0430 in the morning.

I’d recently purchased Grand Theft Auto V so was used to mowing down pedestrians and driving like a lunatic etc, so I just put the car in reverse and raced ahead of him.

He darted back towards Galgate.

So I drove forwards again, quickly catching up with him.

He tried to climb through a bush, looking for all intents and purposes just like a pissed fox, or an inebriated hedgehog.

No dice.

Scratched and tired out he turned around. He was hunched over a bit with his hands on his knees, gasping at his exertion.

“This is not going to end well, mister.” I said.  ” You’ve got six more miles to run, and you’ve got a pissed off taxi driver with a full tank of diesel in his warm car.  Also I’m at the end of my shift and I’m NOT going to give up. This ends now.”

So he paid up.

 

Dave published the bestselling eBook How to Annoy a Taxi Driver ( UK / US ) in 2009.

He is currently working on his first novel, a Sci-fi mystery.