Fifty Moments I Won’t Get Back

I almost hurl my Kindle across the box-like room I am sitting in.

The simile spills unnecessarily from my fingers, desperately striving to sound like classic literature, but actually sounding like the spinster-like gushings of Mary from Corrie.

I am stood on a motorway bridge, at a gigantic pile-up taking place in slow motion.

I have momentarily taken on the guise of J G Ballard describing a road accident.

The comparison is being used to illustrate how I rapidly began to feel while reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

I am watching a hideous pile of steel, rubber, chrome, blood, bone and flesh being created before me.

Yet I have not been able to stop experiencing the spectacle.

Until now.

I audibly gasp.  

Is there honestly any other way?  Ah hang on…

I tried visually gasping – mixing up the senses a bit, but I just looked like a fucking goldfish.

I tried to gasp olfactorially* – nearly causing myself a serious injury, I might add.

*Olfactorially – adverb. “To do something that you can smell”

Okay, okay, the word doesn’t exist I’ll admit – but if it did, it would be spelled that way. It would be the adverb of “olfactory”.  As visually is to visual, audibly is to audible, olfactorially is to olfactory.

Hey, at least I’m making up new words instead of flogging old ones to death!! Ha!

I am struggling to deliberately make some of the terrible writing mistakes I have read in the book, but it is very, very difficult.

It is the reading equivalent of listening to Les Dawson playing the piano.

Where would we be without good writing?

Fifty Shades.

And yet it’s the top-selling Kindle book.

Congratulations, you have motivated me to try to write better.

Debut Novel is Under Construction

I thought it was about time that I revealed that work on my debut novel has begun.

The working title is Earthrise (edit: How cheesy! It’s gone), but I think that Resource 323 could be more intriguing and less clichéd, especially if the cover design just shows this:

By the way, it’s a Science Fiction / Mystery.

I read On Writing by Stephen King again last week, to see if I was doing things correctly.  I wasn’t!

I was getting bogged down in plot and story arcs etc, when I should really have been just hitting the keyboard and letting the first draft determine the direction of the story.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Chapter One is complete, and I’m on Chapter Two.

I’m deliberately being obscure about what it’s about at the moment.  I’ve chatted the ears off quite a few people talking about it, and I always seem to end up getting over excited and ranting. Sorry everyone 😉

Those I’ve spoken to have been intrigued by the concept behind the story – that not everything is as it seems, and the lives we all lead are actually serving a higher purpose – see I’m doing it again!!  Calm down, Dave.

More tidbits will follow, I am sure – I can’t help it.

Woohaa!!

Dave x

Writing my autobiography?

Not bloody likely… I was asked today by one of my friends how to write an autobiography, presumably because of my reputation as a highly successful author(!)

So as I sit here sipping ice cold champagne served to me by dusky maidens on the deck of my great big freakin’ yacht…

Yeah, whatever…

If I was writing my autobiography, the first thing i’d do is buy three cardfiles and obviously cards.  One for Childhood, one for the last couple of years up until recently, and one for everything else in between.

Then I’d put the boxes somewhere safe, yet within easy reach, and every time I thought of something significant, I’d write a card with a couple of words or a phrase to remind me for later. You could even put photos in there.

I’d leave the boxes there for a year maybe. Also I’d start up a Word document in case something big wants to come out. Stick a shortcut to it on your desktop, so you can always open it quickly.  Recollections are like diarrhoea, you have to get to the pot quickly..

Later, I’d take out a card at random, and write about each thing.  You’ll find that more stuff randomly spills out, like bats in a cave; stick em on a card for later, and carry on with what you were doing.

The thing with writing about your memories – is that once you start, it’s hard to stop. Sorry about the diarrhoea reference by the way.

There comes a point, however, when you have to draw a line under it, arrange it into chronological order, print it out, get someone to proofread it, let them write all over it, then go back and edit/rewrite as necessary till you are happy with it.

That’s my advice anyway.

Dave

Dave talks about his book “How to Annoy a Taxi Driver”

Dave introduces us to his book “How to Annoy a Taxi Driver”.
He talks about how the book came about, and how you can buy it.

http://www.tinyurl.com/how2annoy

YouTube Trailer – How to Annoy a Taxi Driver